Burden Page 14

  Jesse already knew the answer to that one. He’d let his feelings override his common sense. Because how could it ever work? Randy coming home from a hard day arresting johns, giving Jesse a peck on the cheek, and inquiring how many guys he’d screwed that day? Randy walking into a cafe where Jesse was meeting a guy, and giving him a cheery wave? Jesse coming home late from a trick, to find Randy in bed, reading, and asking him how it had gone before exclaiming how nice it was of the john to loosen Jesse up so Randy could fuck him?

  Okay, so maybe that was exaggerating a little, but it didn’t change the facts. Having Jesse in his life would ultimately hurt Randy’s career. Whichever way Jesse looked at the situation, both of them were gonna end up hurt.

  But what’s the alternative? Taking money from Randy so Jesse didn’t work on his back? Randy paying for him to finish college? Finding a job and giving up on the idea of ever finishing his MBA?

  Jesse could be practical when the situation called for it. And right then what was needed was a practical decision.

  He eased out from under the covers and crept around the bed, picking up his clothes from where he’d discarded them, trying to make as little noise as possible. He needed time and space to think, and being in Randy’s bed wasn’t conducive to either of those. When he was dressed, he gave the apartment one last glance to make sure he had everything, including his bag, and let himself out as quietly as possible.

  Jesse shivered a little in the cool morning air, regretting leaving his jacket at home. He walked slowly down Broadway, his bag slung over his shoulder, turning the same thoughts over and over in his head. It didn’t help that his heart was saying one thing, his head another.

  Why couldn’t it work? I love him. Surely that’s all that matters?

  Loving him isn’t enough, not if it means Randy ends up losing his job. And he could.

  Then I find a job. A regular job. One he could tell his coworkers about.

  His coworkers. So Randy’s gonna come out for ya? Announce he’s gonna shack up with a guy? Besides, isn’t that assuming a lot? Like, maybe, that he feels for you the way you feel for him? Listen, he just got his itch scratched. You just proved to him that he likes fucking guys too. That’s all it was.

  God, how Jesse longed for that cynical voice to be wrong on that last one. Because the previous night had been so much more than getting an itch scratched, and Jesse knew it. The shower, the tenderness Randy had shown him when they’d made love… all of that was so far removed from what Jesse experienced with his tricks that they might as well have taken place on different planets.

  But if he cares for me, why doesn’t he come out and say it? Then he sighed. Yeah, like the way I came out and told him how I feel?

  Christ, this was fucked up.

  When he reached West 181st Street, he spied a McDonald’s. That meant coffee. Jesse crossed the street and went inside. It wasn’t all that busy, but then again, it was a Saturday morning and still early. He bought a cup of coffee and chose a seat in the corner where it was quieter.

  Jesse took out his phone and scrolled through his contacts. Too early to call him? Because what Jesse needed right then was some advice, and he knew one person who’d give it to him straight. He composed a text and sent it to Nikko.

  You awake?

  Seconds later, his phone rang. “Hey, you know me. Early riser.”

  Jesse heard something in the background that sounded like… gulls? “Where are you?”

  “Taking a walk on the beach before I go back and make Mitch his breakfast. He’s still sleeping.” There was a pause. “Now suppose you tell me what’s wrong?”

  Jesse sighed. “Nothing gets past you, right? Even when I’m over three hundred miles away.”

  “Call it a gift. Now talk.”

  Jesse took a sip of the hot coffee and winced. “I think I just fucked up, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

  “Wait a sec.” Another pause. “Okay, I’m sitting down. What happened?”

  Jesse related seeing Randy at the party and took it from there, not bothering to hide a thing. Nikko wasn’t going to judge him.

  Silence. “Wow.”

  That made him chuckle, despite his churning stomach. “That was my reaction.”

  “Still not seeing a problem here. I mean….” Nikko’s voice softened. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

  If only that solved anything.

  “Yeah,” Jesse said with a sigh. “And that is the problem. My world and his? They don’t mix.”

  “Then let’s talk about your world,” Nikko said practically. “Are you happy with what you’re doing? Really? Is it getting you where you want to be?”

  Jesse stared into the murky depths of his coffee. “No.”

  “Then why are you there? Why keep doing it if it’s not working for you?”

  “Because right now I have no alternatives!” Jesse glanced around as the patrons gazed mildly in his direction before going back to their breakfasts and coffee. He took a deep breath. “Look, I didn’t mean to raise my voice. I’m just a little… overwrought right now.” Which had to be the understatement of Jesse’s year so far.

  “Yeah, I get that.” Footsteps sounded on gravel. “I’m just walking back to the house. It strikes me that you need to think things over.”

  Jesse had reached that conclusion shortly after waking up in Randy’s bed.

  “I have an idea,” Nikko said suddenly.

  “Uh-oh,” Jesse quipped halfheartedly.

  “I’m being serious. I just need to check something first. Can I call you back?”

  “Sure.”

  “Okay, give me a couple of minutes.” Nikko disconnected the call.

  Jesse put down his phone, shaking his head. What is he up to? The intrigue was enough to banish his inner turmoil, just for a moment. Then he faced reality. Nikko does not possess a magic wand. He can’t fix this, no matter how badly he may want to. Jesse’s thoughts went to Randy, and his heart ached. What’s he gonna think when he wakes up and I’m gone?

  Swiftly he pushed the thought aside. He’s better off without me. I’ll only bring him pain. He’ll see that eventually. Except Jesse wasn’t going to be better off, not when what he truly wanted was Randy in his life.

  It doesn’t matter what I want. I can’t just fuck up his life. And if I really love him, that means walking away and letting him have a successful career.

  Being selfless sucked.

  His phone rang. Before Jesse could get a word in, Nikko plunged ahead. “You’re coming to Maine, to us.”

  Jesse blinked. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard. You need space to think, with no distractions, and you’re sure as hell not going to find that in New York. Right now you’re stuck in a cycle that you won’t break free from unless you do something drastic. I get that you like what you do, but it’s plainly not working out. And nothing will change unless you do something.” He paused. “You know what the definition of insanity is, right? Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.”

  Jesse couldn’t lie to Nikko. “I did enjoy hooking—once. It’s kinda… changed.”

  “Let me guess. It’s different when your life depends on it?”

  “Yeah.” Fuck, Jesse had so many regrets. The halt to his studies. Letting Randy get under his skin—and into his heart. Not that he’d ever regret their night together.

  Jesse was going to cling to that for as long as he lived.

  “Look, about coming to Maine—”

  His phone pinged, but Nikko spoke before he could investigate further. “You have mail.”

  “And what have you sent me?”

  “The link to a bus ticket.”

  “What?”

  “There’s a bus at 1:45 p.m. out of New York. East Forty-Second Street, to be exact. It gets into Portland at 7:45 p.m. tonight. I’ll meet you there. It’s only fifteen minutes from the bus station to our place.”

  Aw fuck. “I can’t let you d
o that.”

  Nikko laughed. “Too late. I’ve already done it. Now, you could ignore the ticket, but then I’ll have wasted my money, and I don’t think you’d like that.”

  “I have money,” Jesse protested.

  “Fine. You can pay me back when you get here.”

  “Here?” Mitch’s voice rumbled in the background. “Who precisely is coming here?”

  Nikko chuckled. “We got company coming.”

  Mitch laughed. “Now why am I not surprised?”

  “Wait—you bought a ticket without telling Mitch first? Wasn’t that what you needed to check?” Things were moving with a speed that took Jesse by surprise.

  Nikko laughed. “I was checking the bus times. And as for Mitch…. Hey, sweetheart, Jesse is coming. That okay with you?”

  “Like you have to ask.”

  “There.” Nikko sounded awfully smug. “Happy now? All you have to do is get here.”

  Jesse couldn’t believe this was happening. “You’re serious.”

  “Of course. Think I’d go buying a ticket if I wasn’t? Now, that gives you plenty of time to pack your bags. Make sure you pack something for the beach. Maine might not get temperatures as high as New York in July, but it’s really pleasant right now, and you need some beach time.”

  “I am not coming to Maine to lie on a beach!”

  Nikko’s voice was gentle. “No, you’re not. You’re coming to Maine to give yourself time to make some decisions. And you can stay as long as you like. Right, Mitch?”

  “Damn straight. Get your ass here, Jesse.”

  Tears pricked his eyes. “You two are unbelievable.”

  “No, we’re not. We just love you. Now go pack. Let me know when you’re on the bus.” Nikko hung up.

  Jesse wiped his eyes. Maybe he’s right. Putting some distance between himself and NYC might be exactly what he needed. When his phone announced another text, he smiled. Now what? Except it wasn’t from Nikko.

  Hey. In NYC for the weekend. Any chance U can fit me in? Missed that ass. Before midday works if UR available.

  It was a number Jesse recognized, a regular. For one brief moment, he contemplated messaging him back to arrange a time, before he stopped himself. What the fuck am I doing?

  Nikko was right. Doing the same fucking thing over and over, expecting shit to change, was crazy. His thumbs danced over the keypad.

  Sorry. Not available.

  Right then he needed to get back to the apartment and pack.

  And not think about Randy. He’d think about what the hell he was going to say to Randy when he was on the way to Maine.

  He doesn’t need this mess. He doesn’t need me to screw up his life.

  Jesse figured if he told himself that enough times, eventually he’d believe it.

  Chapter Eighteen

  RANDY OPENED his eyes and was struck immediately by the silence. He rolled over to find an empty space beside him, the sheets cool. “Jesse?”

  No answer.

  Randy sat up and scanned the room. No bag, no clothing. No sign that Jesse had even been there, except…. A couple of torn condom wrappers lay on the nightstand.

  He threw back the covers and launched himself from the bed, hurrying into the living room. No sign there either.

  What the hell?

  Randy grabbed his phone from the coffee table and checked it. No messages. He brought up Jesse’s number and clicked Call. When it rang and rang with no answer, he disconnected and threw the phone down onto the couch.

  What are you playing at, Jesse?

  This didn’t make sense. Not after the previous night. How could he just leave after…?

  And there it was, the heart of what really stung him. How could Jesse leave, after we made love?

  His phone pinged, and Randy grabbed it.

  Hey. Sorry I wasn’t there when you woke up. I had to leave earlier than I’d intended. Will be in touch. xx

  His heartbeat climbed down a little, but those last words hurt. That’s it? That’s all I get? If anything, they confirmed his fears, and his first thought was thankfulness that he hadn’t told Jesse how he felt. Because that would have been painful.

  Talk about unrequited love.

  Randy sank onto the couch, his phone still in his hand. Then it was just sex. At least, it had been for Jesse, judging by the fact that he hadn’t stuck around long. But for Randy, he felt… broken inside. There was a tightness in his throat that was almost painful, and just breathing hurt. He tossed the phone onto the couch, put his head in his hands, and closed his eyes, as if that would take away the pain.

  What pushed it aside was anger.

  He ran out on me. He snuck out on me like I was one of his fucking tricks.

  And as for that text…. There was nothing in those few lines that came even close to emotion, and that made a mockery of everything they’d shared the previous night. Because that had been more than just sex, and Randy knew it, with every nerve, cell, and fiber in his body.

  When another ping sounded, he ignored it, until it hit him that it might be from Jesse. Randy seized the phone and peered at the screen. This time it was an email—from Jesse.

  Hey.

  Yeah, I know that text was a bit on the short side, but I needed time to think before I wrote this, and I didn’t want you to worry when you woke up and found me gone.

  Okay, not sure how to even start this, but….

  Randy’s heart sank. Oh fuck. Every instinct he possessed was screaming that this was not going to be good.

  You’re a sweet guy. You really are. A sweet, awesome guy.

  Randy knew there was a but coming.

  But we both know you being seen with me is not gonna be good for you. A Vice cop who goes to coffee shops / concerts / Coney Island, etc., with a hooker? There are only so many times you could explain that away, right? And because you’re this sweet guy, you’d never let me know if you were catching shit for that. Neither of us is an idiot. We both know you could lose your job over this. And I like you too much to let that happen.

  He likes me? That’s it? Randy stared at the screen, his stomach churning. What the fuck? This amounted to “it’s not you, it’s me.” It might as well have begun with “Dear John.”

  God, the irony.

  About last night….

  Randy caught his breath. No. No. Don’t tell me it meant nothing. He couldn’t bear that, not on top of the I like you too much business.

  You were amazing. You took my breath away. And when you find someone who is worthy of you, who can stand by your side, someone you can be proud to be with… don’t care if they’re a guy or a girl, they’re gonna be the luckiest SOB on this planet.

  Be you, Randy. Be happy. And… don’t come looking for me. Because you deserve better than me.

  Thanks for everything.

  Jesse.

  Randy closed his eyes and broke, tears welling up beneath his eyelids. That one line hit him hardest of all.

  You deserve better than me.

  Randy took a moment to catch his breath. That’s what it all boils down to, isn’t it? He’s doing this because he believes a hooker isn’t good enough for a Vice cop. Then it hit him. I took his breath away. Last night meant as much to him as it did to me. And that meant….

  Jesse was hurting too.

  When Randy got himself under control, he wiped his eyes savagely and stared at the screen. “You think I’m just going to leave it there? Think again.”

  He was going to find Jesse. This was a conversation that needed to happen face-to-face, where he could look into those beautiful blue eyes—and know the truth.

  And as for how easy it would be to find him? Randy had to smile.

  Baby, I’m a cop. Just watch me.

  RANDY TRUDGED up the stairs with his bags of groceries, reaching the fourth floor in time to see Owen locking his front door.

  Owen swallowed. “Hey. I was just coming to see you.” In one hand he held a bottle of wine. “Peace offering?”

/>   Randy sighed. “Maybe later.” He nodded toward his apartment. “Wanna come in?”

  “You are still talking to me, then.”

  Randy put down one bag and unlocked the door. “Get your ass inside.”

  Owen heaved a sigh of relief. “I’ll take that as a yes.” He scuttled past Randy, through the open door, and into the living room. Randy followed him with the groceries, closing the front door with his butt.

  He took one look at Owen, perched awkwardly on the edge of the seat cushion, and rolled out an exaggerated sigh. “You know where the glasses are. Is it a screw cap or have you bought the good stuff?”

  Owen cleared his throat. “Peace offerings are required to be the good stuff. It’s the law. Fancy you not knowing that. And for your information, the good stuff comes with screw caps, too, these days.”

  “I’ll consider myself informed. The corkscrew is in the drawer, then.” He waited until Owen had found it before placing his bags on the countertop and emptying their contents. “Drinking at midday. This has to be a record for us.” He carried on unpacking, putting his groceries into cabinets and the refrigerator, while behind him, he heard the telltale glug of wine being poured. When everything was stored away, Randy joined Owen on the couch.

  Owen held out a glass to him. “I’m hoping this is the part where we kiss and make up,” he said with a hopeful look. “Well, maybe not actual kissing, but you get the idea.”

  Randy wasn’t one to bear grudges. Besides, recent events had put a lot of things into perspective. “It’s okay. I get it that you had no idea that was gonna happen. And I’ve moved away from the ‘I shouldn’t have listened to you in the first place’ part.”

  “I see.” Owen took a mouthful of wine.

  “Feeling a little guilty, were we?” When Owen swallowed again, Randy nodded. “Yeah, I’d feel guilty, too, if I were you.” Owen’s face tightened, and Randy regretted his words, knowing he was being unfair. “Look, I’m a big boy. I make my own decisions.” Randy sipped his wine, trying to ignore his churning stomach. “I hear you met Jesse.” It had taken him most of the morning to get himself under control, resisting the urge to head down to West Forty-Second Street and look for him.