Endings and Beginnings Read online

  Peter breathed deeply. It had taken a huge effort to let it all out, but he couldn’t deny it felt good, as if a weight had been lifted from his chest.

  Laura regarded him in silence for a moment before nodding. “Yes, Curtis killed himself, but that’s a decision he made for himself, just as each day you make the decision to stand up and be Peter Nicholson. The good sub, the good friend, the good man.”

  Peter didn’t think he was all that good a person, but Laura wasn’t finished.

  “And honestly, isn’t living a long and happy life the best way to give Curtis his own, as you say, screw you? You say Curtis killing himself means he escaped justice, but he didn’t, not really. It simply showed he didn’t have the inner courage to face what he’d done.” She leaned forward, her eyes shining. “But you do, Peter. You and Jeff both. You say you remind yourself each day that you’re not that person anymore, and that’s admirable. Curtis wouldn’t have been able to do that. Every day he’d have seen himself in the mirror and realized that was all he ever would have been.” She sat back, her gaze focused on him.

  Peter looked up at Laura’s impassive expression. “Will I ever be free of him?”

  “That’s up to you. Tell me, is there ever a day that goes by when you don’t think of him?”

  Peter considered the question. “Yes. There are days when Master Thomas has me working in his library. I start by dusting the shelves, and then a book catches my eye. I pull it down, curl up in the chair, and start reading. By the time my reminder bell goes off that I need to call Sir, I’ve passed most of the day without a thought of Curtis, because I’ve become so lost in the book.” He smiled as he recalled Thomas’s fond expression when Peter would relate what he’d done. Because he always shared his day.

  Laura smiled too. “And there’s your answer. There will come a time when you’ll hardly think about him at all. I don’t think the memory will ever go away completely, but it will fade over time. Then, one day in the not too distant future, you’ll be reading, and it’ll suddenly hit you that you haven’t thought about him for a week, a month, maybe a year.”

  Peter’s chest tightened at the thought. “That sounds good,” he admitted.

  She nodded. “What happened has thrown you off center, and the effects will ripple for a time, but they’re going to fade. Be patient, but also expect to have days where you’re angry and hurt. Remember, it’s normal to feel that way.” She grinned. “Just don’t take it out on your Master.”

  Peter opened his eyes wide, and then he barked a laugh. “Yeah, my arse isn’t likely to forget that lesson in a hurry.”

  She laughed, but then her expression grew more intense. “And now, about that spanking… can we discuss it?”

  Peter sighed. “I think what got to me most of all was that he’d never done it before. It was a bit of a shock.” He met her gaze and smiled. “It’s okay. I get it now. And yes, he did the right thing. It was what I needed.”

  “Thomas disciplined you because he loves you.”

  “I understand that now.”

  She tilted her head. “When my Master disciplines me, he expects me to thank him for it afterward. This wasn’t quite the same thing. Have you discussed it with Thomas?”

  Peter shook his head. He’d steered clear of mentioning it, and Thomas hadn’t brought it up.

  “It might be an idea to tell him that you understand why he did it. After all, it helped you, didn’t it?”

  He nodded. It had provided him with a release to let out all the emotion and turmoil inside him. And he couldn’t deny it had brought him calm.

  Laura put down her notepad. “Then I think we’re done. I’m always here if you need me, you know that, but I’m not going to ask you to make another appointment.” She eyed him steadily. “Like I said, the effects will ripple for a time, but it will get better. Just don’t expect this to be the end of it. That’s all I’m saying. And the next time you need to let it out, try doing it before your Master feels the need to spank you.” Her eyes twinkled.

  She rose to her feet, and Peter did the same.

  “Thanks, Laura.” Impulsively he gave her a hug. Laura Herne had been such a big part of his life. She’d seen him at his lowest ebb, and she’d shared his triumphs as he overcame the debilitating agoraphobia that had plagued his life when he and Thomas had first met.

  “Now go out there and talk to the man who loves you,” she said with a warm smile.

  That sent a glow pulsing through him.

  Thomas was standing by the window, looking down into St. Ann’s Square. He turned as Peter exited Laura’s consultation room, and his eyes lit up.

  “Hey, you all done?”

  Peter walked over to him, slipped his arms around Thomas’s waist, and rested his head against the wide shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have taken it all out on you. And when I see Alex, Scott, and the others, I’ll apologize. They were only trying to help.”

  Thomas’s sigh stirred his hair.

  “There’s my Peter.”

  He lifted Peter’s chin and kissed him softly on the lips. Peter closed his eyes for a moment and lost himself in the love radiating from his Master and lover. He needed this, like air, like food, like water.

  Thomas was everything.

  DARREN HAD a fair idea why the Collars & Cuffs doorman was grinning at him from across the street. What must Darren have looked like, standing on the curb talking to himself? The urge to finally visit the club had been strong while he’d been driving into the city center, but the reality of walking in there was proving a daunting prospect. He wanted this, he really did, but to base a decision on the words of a handful of subs and one interaction he’d witnessed between Peter and Thomas?

  Just Peter and Thomas? that damned voice in his head asked. You’ve known for years you were looking for something different. How many of your relationships failed because they never had that spark you sought so desperately?

  None of them had lasted more than a few months. What he’d had with Michael definitely amounted to the longest relationship he’d been part of, and that had only been because neither of them was the type to walk away. If Michael hadn’t made the decision, Darren would have stayed and done his best to make it work, because that was who he was.

  Perhaps I’m not meant to be here. Thomas had been so self-assured, so strong. Somehow Darren couldn’t picture him standing on the street talking to himself. But he can’t always have been like this, can he? Everyone had doubts; it was only human. And the idea that one day Darren could find someone to depend on him, to gaze at him with the overwhelming intensity that Peter had when he and Thomas were together? Yes, he wanted that. More than anything in life, he wanted someone to care for. To share a life with. To know he would be the guiding light for someone would be more than Darren could hope for.

  He drew in a deep breath and crossed the street.

  “Good afternoon, sir. Can I help you?”

  The man’s smile relaxed Darren. It was warm and open, containing no hint of uncertainty. Darren immediately liked the man.

  He reached into his pocket, pulled out Thomas’s card, and showed it to him. “I’m here to see Thomas Williams. He invited me to stop by.”

  The doorman—Tony, according to his name badge—examined the card. “Of course. You’ll find Mr. Williams inside. It might be a little busy in there, though. They’re setting up for a demonstration tonight.”

  Disappointment surged through Darren. After all he’d gone through to talk himself into getting to the club, he wasn’t sure he’d come back if he walked away now. “Oh, okay. Maybe I should try a different day.”

  Tony waved a hand. “Nonsense. The club is always busy. I just wanted you to know it might be a few minutes. And we’re not open as long as usual tonight, as it’s the bank holiday, so everyone’s here a bit earlier. Go on in, and Elliott will set you up with a wristband.” He pushed open the heavy wooden door. “Welcome to Collars & Cuffs.”

  Darren bre
athed deeply and stepped into the club.

  Chapter Five

  THE RECEPTION area was mainly comprised of a wide desk, manned by the personable Elliott, whose smile could have lit up an entire room. A lime green wristband in place, Darren was admitted through metallic doors into the club. The smell of leather tickled his nose, but what intrigued him more were the sounds. Those set his heart pounding, made him breathe faster. Swish… thwock… crack… snap….

  Groans. Cries. Howls. Grunts. Fuck, it sounded wonderful.

  Darren ignored the bar straight ahead of him and went instead toward the main floor of the club. He tried not to stare at the men he saw there, all of them focused on their different… activities. But as his gaze swept over the room, his heart rate slowed as certainty hit home.

  This was what he wanted. This was where he belonged.

  “Well now, this is a surprise!”

  Thomas was standing on a stage next to a large wooden cross. He said something to the young man he’d been working with, then clambered down and hurried across, hand outstretched, to where Darren stood.

  Darren grinned self-consciously. “I finally took you up on your offer to come see the club.” He shook Thomas’s hand.

  Thomas glanced around him. “Your timing could have been better, I’m afraid. Ordinarily I’d sit down and have a drink and a chat, but that will have to wait a while. I need to help get the stage set up.”

  “Is there anything I can do to help?”

  Thomas chuckled. “Actually, there is. Come with me.” He led Darren to the bar, where another young man was polishing glassware. “JJ? This is my good friend, Darren. I need him to keep you occupied for about an hour while we set up. Is that all right?”

  The bartender, JJ, looked up, and Darren could imagine this young man was very popular. His blond hair was a little long, and Darren loved the idea of running his fingers through it, but those incredible gray eyes drew Darren in, and the warm smile he received clinched the deal.

  “Yes, Mr. Williams. I’ll let him keep me company.” JJ chuckled at Thomas’s joke.

  Darren couldn’t help but note a hint of sadness in the man. “Darren.” JJ took his offered hand. A firm grip, with calluses from hard work. It was a good first impression.

  “JJ. What can I get you?”

  “Keep a close eye on him, Darren,” Thomas said with a chuckle before he rushed back to the stage, shouting instructions.

  Darren had to laugh. “Is he always like this?”

  JJ pulled a face. “Pretty much. If I’m being honest? When I first met him, I thought he would be gruff and a bear to work for, but like so many things lately, I’ve been proved wrong.”

  There was a hint of that sadness again, turning what had been a genuine smile into more of a frown.

  “JJ. Is it short for anything?”

  JJ opened his eyes. “You’re the first person to ask that. Yeah, it’s short for Jeremy Justin, but there was no way I was going by the name Jeremy.” He grimaced and then shrugged. “I figured JJ was snappier, more… intriguing.”

  Darren had to agree. It suited him. “Do you have any juice?”

  “We do.”

  JJ’s megawatt smile returned, and Darren realized nothing suited this man better than happiness, which bathed everyone in its glow.

  “Am I missing something?”

  JJ flushed. “I spoke with Ben—he’s the bar manager, by the way—a couple of weeks ago about offering more items at the bar, like fresh juices. He brought the idea to Leo and Thomas, who said to try it. So I make fresh orange juice every day.” He pointed to the machine behind him, a basket on top of it loaded with oranges.

  “And how is it working out?”

  “I think really well. The members drink a lot of it straight, but even those who ask for mixed drinks say it makes them so much better.”

  Darren grinned. “So you’re a genius.”

  The tips of JJ’s ears turned scarlet. “It was just an idea,” he mumbled. “What kind of juice would you like?”

  “Whatever you think is best. I trust you.”

  JJ paled and his hands trembled. He glanced up, his eyes searching, then quickly went back to what he’d been doing. He poured the juice, which he placed in front of Darren.

  The first sip and Darren was sold. “This is… delicious. It tastes like there’s something else in it, but I’m not sure what it is.”

  JJ preened a bit. “A couple of drops of vanilla,” he said proudly. “Trade secret, don’t tell anyone.” He gazed at Darren. “So, you’re a Dom?”

  Darren smiled. “Right now? No. I’m here chasing something that I saw once, that won’t leave me alone.” He took another sip. “And waiting to see where it leads me.” He gazed at JJ with interest. “Mind if I ask you something?”

  “Well, that would depend on what you were asking,” JJ said slowly, a note of caution creeping into his voice.

  “I wondered what you thought of the club.” Darren smiled. “I always say, if you want to know about a place, ask the barman.”

  “I’ve only worked here for four months,” JJ began.

  “That’s surely long enough to know if you like it,” Darren reasoned.

  JJ leaned forward, his elbows on the bar. “I like the owners, Leo and Thomas. I think they’re good people. Most of the members I’ve chatted with have been nice. And sure, at first it was just a bar job, even if the guys who drink here are a lot… kinkier than ones I’d met before.”

  Darren smirked. JJ fell silent for a moment, as though he was deliberating what to say next.

  “I guess what made me see things a little differently was what happened during my first week here.”

  Darren sat up on his stool. “What happened?”

  “There was a scene on the stage. This new Dom, Eli, was doing a scene where he used a whip on his sub, Jarod.” JJ’s eyes suddenly had a faraway look in them. “It wasn’t so much the scene as the way they were with each other.”

  The skin on Darren’s arms prickled. “Go on.”

  “It was just so… moving.”

  Darren said nothing but watched JJ’s face with rapt attention.

  “I think it was the connection between them. It was like none of us watching even existed. It was just the two of them, in this private little world only they saw.” JJ swallowed. “And then I started seeing that same connection between other couples. It was like… once you knew what to look for, it was so obvious.” He locked gazes with Darren. “I liked that. Liked it a lot.”

  “See?” Darren said softly. “Ask a barman—works every time.” He took another drink of his juice. “And it’s funny you should say that, because I witnessed something very similar.”

  JJ’s eyes widened. “Yeah?”

  “Remember I said I was here chasing something I saw once?”

  JJ nodded, and Darren told him about the ceremony with Peter and Thomas.

  “So I know exactly what you mean.”

  “Okay, I’m done. Do you want to go into the office for a chat?” Thomas said, appearing next to him.

  Darren turned and nodded. “Sure.” He returned his attention to JJ and held out his hand. “Thank you for the juice and for the conversation. I look forward to talking with you again.”

  JJ’s hand was cool. “Me too. So you think you’ll be back?”

  Darren grinned. “Count on it.” He slid off the stool and followed Thomas, glass of juice in hand, turning back for one last glance. JJ was staring after him, those gray eyes large. Darren shook his head and entered the office.

  Thomas indicated a chair facing the desk, and Darren sat.

  “Well, that was a new one.”

  “Oh?” Thomas cocked his head to one side.

  “I’m used to clients sharing everything about their lives—their holidays, their catastrophes, even their love lives—it’s par for the course, being a hairdresser. Complete strangers sit in your chair, and by the time you’re through with them, you’ve heard it all. But that was the fi
rst time I ever shared about myself.”

  Thomas raised his eyebrows. “Interesting.” He leaned back in his wide leather chair. “Okay, you’ve had a look around. Questions?”

  Darren took a drink of his juice before answering. “I think I’d like to come back on a night when you have normal opening hours and when I get to see the club in full swing. Tonight has a feel about it, like I’m not seeing it as it deserves to be seen.”

  Thomas nodded. “I agree. Come back and see us another night, by all means. Besides, we have a few members not around at the moment, for one reason or another. Give it a week.”

  Darren liked that idea. “Well, in that case, I’ll let you get back to whatever you’ve got planned for this evening.”

  Thomas gave a nod toward the glass in his hand. “Don’t forget to return your glass to JJ before you go.” He smiled, his eyes gleaming.

  Darren stood. “I’ll be sure to do that.” Any excuse to go back to that very attractive barman. And now that he thought about it…. For the second time that evening, Darren’s heartbeat sped up. “Thanks, Thomas. I’ll see you again, very shortly.”

  He walked out of the office and strode purposefully across to the bar.

  Before I change my mind. Because what he was contemplating doing was just not him.

  And my gaydar had better be working properly.

  JJ glanced up and stilled as Darren approached. “Back already?” he quipped.

  Darren placed his glass on the bar top. “I forgot to pay for my juice.”

  JJ smiled. “You kept me company, so it’s on me.”

  Darren grabbed hold of his courage with both hands. Shit, why am I nervous? “Well, in that case, how about letting me return the favor? We could go out for a drink or maybe grab something to eat. I can tell you all the thrills and excitement of owning my own salon, and you can tell me all about Jeremy Justin.” His pulse was racing.