Endings and Beginnings Read online

  Fuck. Darren was standing there, frowning.

  “Go away,” JJ croaked and attempted to shut the door, but Darren jammed his foot into the space. “Just leave me alone, all right?”

  “Not until you let me in and I find out what the hell is wrong.” Darren’s deep voice slammed into him. “Open the door, JJ.”

  “No.” Fresh tears pricked his eyes. “Just go away. Trust me. You don’t want to talk to me.”

  Darren’s foot hadn’t moved. “Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?” His voice softened. “Please, JJ. Let me in?”

  He’s not going to give up, is he? Then JJ realized he would have been disappointed if he had. “Okay, get your foot out of the way so I can close the door and undo the catch.” When his words were greeted with silence, JJ sighed heavily. “Look, I promise I will open the door.”

  Slowly Darren withdrew his foot. JJ pushed the door closed and slipped the chain from its housing. He opened the door and stepped aside to let Darren enter. He winced inwardly at how the place must have looked, but it was too late to go back then.

  “Up the stairs to the top floor,” he muttered.

  Darren merely nodded and led the way, JJ following him. He didn’t have a fucking clue what he was about to say. Doubtless Darren wanted answers, but there was no way JJ was about to give them. When they were both inside his flat, Darren glanced around, but his expression gave nothing away.

  JJ stood by the sofa bed, hands at his sides, a safe distance away from Darren, who was still by the door. “How did you find me?” It was only after the words had left his lips that JJ realized the information had to have come from someone at the club.

  “I got it out of Ben,” Darren informed him. He rubbed his chin. “He was all for chasing after you, apparently, but he couldn’t leave the bar.”

  The constriction around JJ’s chest tightened, and his aching stomach roiled. “Oh.”

  “Thomas had his jacket and car keys in his hand when I got there, ready to come find you, but I persuaded him to let me do it.”

  Darren moved closer to JJ, but JJ took a step toward his table, maintaining the distance between them. Darren’s gaze narrowed, and his face tightened.

  “JJ, talk to me. Tell me what happened. They’re really concerned at the club. No one has a clue why you ran the way you did.”

  “And it’s going to stay that way,” JJ blurted out. “I’m not stepping foot in that place again.”

  Darren stared at him. “You’re just going to leave it like that?”

  JJ nodded, his jaw clenched, and Darren’s gaze darkened.

  “I don’t know what happened, but I do know you can’t run away from it.”

  JJ snorted. “Oh yeah? Watch me.” He straightened and looked Darren in the eye. “Okay, you’ve seen me. You can go back and tell them I’m all right, but I just quit.”

  There was a moment of silence. Darren maintained eye contact, his lips narrowed. Finally he sighed. “I get it. You’re twenty-four and you think you know everything. Well, let me share what I’ve learned from reaching the advanced age of thirty-five. Running away never solves anything.”

  JJ bristled. “You don’t know anything about this, and if you did….” He couldn’t finish the sentence.

  “Okay, so I don’t know shit.” Darren stared at him resolutely. “Then tell me.”

  JJ shook his head. His gut was already telling him whatever he and Darren had shared had shriveled up and died in a corner.

  “You can’t leave things like this,” Darren said in a low voice. “You may feel you can walk away, but there are people back at that club who need answers. And whether you admit it or not, you need closure.”

  “Closure.” JJ’s jaw ached from gritting his teeth. Something inside him snapped. “You think I need closure? Fine. Then let’s go back to the club, I’ll say my piece, and then I’ll get the fuck out of there.” He held his head high. “As long as you’re prepared for the consequences.”

  “What do you mean?”

  JJ took a deep breath. “Just remember what I’m telling you now. You’re going to hear stuff about me, and you won’t like it, but once it’s out, you won’t be able to stick it back in its box.” The knots in his belly tightened, and a dullness spread through his chest.

  Darren’s quiet gaze didn’t alter. “I’ll take my chances.”

  “And what if you’re taking chances with us?” JJ fired back. “Because after this, there won’t be an us.” He stared intently at Darren. “Are you still sure you want to do this?”

  This time when Darren moved toward him and grasped him around his upper arms, JJ let him. Darren’s eyes were focused on him.

  “I’m sure. Maybe you need to trust me a little more. Maybe I won’t react in the way you seem to think.”

  JJ wanted to be proved wrong, wanted that with all his heart. The sinking feeling deep inside him told him otherwise.

  “Let’s go. Let’s get this over with.”

  Chapter Eleven

  DARREN HAD so many questions he wanted to ask, but it was clear JJ wasn’t about to answer them. There had been one brief conversation prior to getting in the car, when he’d tried to establish who JJ needed to speak with when they got to the club. Once Darren had ascertained this had something to do with Thomas and Peter, he’d called Thomas to ensure they were still there. Then it was back to silence.

  The car sped through the streets, heading into the city center. JJ sat at his side, biting his nails. Darren reached across and gently pulled his hand from his mouth, placing it in JJ’s lap.

  “It’ll be all right,” he said quietly.

  “You don’t know anything” had been the equally quiet retort.

  God, the pain and bitterness in that one remark. It had been enough to render Darren silent for the rest of the trip. He retreated into his own thoughts, his mind half on the drive.

  The little bits and pieces Darren had picked up about JJ painted a picture of a lonely man whose foundations were decidedly shaky. Growing up without a father, feeling that everyone lied to him…. It was obvious to Darren that JJ needed stability in his life.

  He needs a rock to cling to.

  It was then that the full force of that realization struck home. Darren wanted to be that rock. The attraction had been there from the start, and the sex that morning had been amazing, but Darren wanted more than that. They’d made a connection, and he didn’t want to lose it.

  Is this what I’ve been looking for? Someone who needs me? Can I be what JJ needs?

  Darren didn’t have a clue what he was about to walk into, but he knew one thing without a doubt—he would be there for JJ. He’d be the strength JJ needed to get him through whatever was coming at him—at them, because like it or not, Darren was involved. It didn’t matter what he was about to hear; his motive for being there was JJ.

  What if he’s done something terrible?

  Just as quickly as the thought occurred to him, he dismissed it. He knew deep inside that the man at his side wasn’t capable of something atrocious. How he could know this so certainly, Darren wasn’t sure, but everything in him was telling him to trust his instincts.

  They pulled into the car park that served the club and both got out in silence. Darren walked at JJ’s side, wanting more than anything to put his arm around him, but the rigidity in JJ’s spine, the stiff manner in which he strode into the club, were all warning signs that Darren couldn’t miss.

  “Thomas and Peter are waiting for us in the office,” he told JJ as they walked toward the main door. When JJ gave him a quizzical glance, Darren arched his eyebrows. “What—you thought I was going to let you walk in there on your own? Think again. I need to know what’s going on.”

  “Fine,” JJ muttered. “But I did warn you.”

  As they passed through the bar, Darren caught sight of Ben, who stared at them, frowning. Later, Darren mouthed. JJ was already at Thomas’s office door, knocking. The door opened and Thomas appeared, his expression calm.r />
  “Come in, gentlemen.”

  Darren followed JJ into the office, where Peter was sitting on a chair next to Thomas’s, behind the wide desk. JJ didn’t beat about the bush. He walked up to the desk and placed his key card and bunch of keys on the uncluttered surface.

  Thomas retook his seat next to Peter, staring in obvious confusion. “What’s going on?”

  JJ held himself straight, hands by his sides. “After this conversation, you won’t want me around, so I thought I’d take care of business first.”

  Darren heard the tremor in his voice.

  Peter’s gaze was focused on JJ, his face pale, his hands clasped in his lap.

  Darren stood by the door, leaning against the wall, his stomach churning. JJ shuddered and turned to walk toward him, only to turn back after taking a few steps. He clenched his hands into fists. For a second his gaze met Darren’s, and Darren’s heart sank to see his eyes dark with pain and anguish.

  “I don’t understand.” Thomas spoke quietly. “Will one of you please explain what’s wrong?”

  Darren had to do something. “JJ? What did you want to tell them?” he asked softly.

  JJ gave him a panicked look. “I… I can’t. I thought I could do this, but I can’t.”

  “Did I do something to upset you?” Peter asked. “Is that why you wanted me here?”

  JJ swung around to stare at him. “God, no. You did nothing.”

  “But you were angry with me, right?”

  “Wait—what? Angry? When was this?” Thomas frowned.

  Peter laid a hand on his arm. “It had to do with JJ and me, Sir. And there was nothing to tell you, just a… feeling I had earlier this week.”

  Darren watched the proceedings, his mind racing as he tried to search for answers.

  “I know why you hate him,” JJ blurted out.

  “Who?” Peter appeared lost.

  “Curtis Rogers.”

  Peter’s forehead smoothed out. “Oh.” He glanced swiftly at Thomas, who covered Peter’s hand with his own. “I know I said that, but I’ve thought on it since. I’ve been working with Doctor Herne and Sir, and they’re helping me to accept that hate is just a waste of emotion. Curtis had power over me for four years. Okay, so he’s dead, but I was still letting him have that power over me.” He gave Thomas a grateful smile. “Sir rescued me once, and he keeps on doing it. Yes, I would have preferred that Curtis pay for his crimes instead of taking the easy way out, but I can’t let him ruin my life.”

  JJ turned away from Peter, a harsh sob escaping his lips. Darren saw his eyes, and his breath caught in his throat. They were feral, angry, hatred pouring from him.

  “What’s this about? Why are you so angry?” Peter’s voice was suddenly tense.

  JJ spun, and Darren saw Peter’s eyes widen.

  “He deserved to die. You were right. He took the fucking easy way out. He needed to suffer. Even life in prison wouldn’t have been enough.”

  “I’m confused,” Peter admitted. “Did you know Curtis? Did he do something to you?” His voice softened. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Stop it,” JJ screamed. “Just fucking stop for one goddamn minute. Quit being so nice. You need to be angry. You need to lash out. If not at Curtis, then at me. Be angry with me.”

  “I can’t,” Peter said, his eyes wide. “You’ve done nothing to me. You’ve been nothing but nice.”

  JJ’s fists were tight, the skin white and stretched across his knuckles. “No, I’m not nice. I came here to make you pay for what you did, and now I can’t even do that.”

  Peter gasped. “What I did? I don’t understand. What did I do to you?”

  “In my mind, I saw it all so differently. He was a good man that got led astray by the people here. People like you.”

  “Me?” Peter said, shock in his voice. “I think you’ve got it wrong. He was the one who—”

  “I know! God, I wish I didn’t, but I do. I know what he did to you. The things I heard made my skin crawl. I thought they were just stories, but then I saw your back, and I knew they were all true. He really was a monster. He killed that poor kid too. I’m sure of that now. I pretended none of it was true, that we’d meet and he’d turn out to be someone I could be proud to call—”

  JJ stopped, and cold flooded through Darren. Oh fuck, no. Please, don’t say it…. His gaze went to Peter, who stood there, ashen faced.

  “I don’t understand. What are you saying?”

  “Curtis Rogers,” JJ hissed. “He was an awful human being, even though I wanted him to be a good man. I really needed him to be a good father.”

  “F-f-father?” Peter stuttered.

  “Yes, my father. If you can’t hate him because he’s dead, then hate me, because I’m his son.” JJ sank to his knees on the floor, sobs bursting from him in a torrent.

  Darren moved swiftly. He lunged across and gathered JJ up into his arms, cradling him against his chest, his heart aching for him. JJ clung to him, the tears falling freely. Darren kissed his head.

  “It’s okay. I have you,” he whispered. “You did it. You let it out.” He raised his head to gauge Peter’s reaction. Peter was on his feet, hand across his mouth, his green eyes impossibly wide. Thomas was beside him, his hands on Peter’s shoulders.

  JJ wiped at his eyes and struggled to his feet, shrugging off Darren’s attempt to help him. When he spoke, Darren could hear the tremble in his voice, and he shivered uncontrollably.

  “I got hired here under false pretenses. I’m sorry. I wish I could take away all the pain he caused, but I can’t. All I did was add to it, and for that I apologize. I’ll leave. Don’t worry about my check. You can say I abandoned my job.”

  JJ turned toward the door, and as he reached for the handle, Thomas’s voice, sharp as a whip, cut through Darren.

  “Stop right there.”

  Darren bristled. He stepped between JJ and Thomas. “Leave him be, Thomas. He’s already hurting. JJ said he would go, so that should be enough. You don’t need to say anything.” There was no way Darren would stand by and let JJ suffer any more.

  Thomas eyed him levelly. “Yes, I do. JJ, come back here, please.”

  JJ turned around, eyes bloodshot.

  “Sit down, okay?” He indicated the worn chair facing the desk.

  Cautiously, JJ approached and sank into the chair. Darren stepped up behind him and placed his hands on JJ’s shoulders, feeling the tension in his body.

  Thomas sat down and gazed up at Peter beside him with a sigh. “I won’t deny this is a shock. After thirteen years of running this club, I thought nothing could surprise me anymore. But there’s something you haven’t taken into account. I know my boy.” Thomas took Peter’s hand and squeezed it. “Yes, he’s likely stunned by your revelation, but have you asked him his feelings? Because you can’t presume to know them.” He turned to Peter. “Do you have something to say to JJ?”

  Peter was quiet for a moment. “Yes, Sir.”

  He pulled his hand free of Thomas’s and walked toward JJ. Darren was disturbed by the fact he couldn’t read Peter’s expression. He could see anger there, simmering below the surface, but there had been more too.

  “JJ? I’m sorry.”

  Beneath Darren’s hands, JJ tensed even more. He looked up.

  “For what?”

  “Honestly? I don’t know. I don’t like seeing people hurting. And I can tell you’re hurting deeply. But can I say something?”

  JJ’s shoulders sagged. “Sure, go ahead. I deserve it.”

  Peter knelt in front of him, his hand on JJ’s knee. “Thank you for telling me, but I don’t hate you. I’m not even upset with you. I was angry for so long at Curtis after Master Thomas took me in. But with his love and guidance, I came out the other side of a very dark tunnel. I learned to walk in the sunshine again, and it felt amazing. When I heard he died, for a brief time I went back into the shadows, but I’m working on getting out of them again.” He locked gazes with JJ. “The thing is,
you don’t belong in the dark place. You’ve done nothing wrong. Unless you were there holding the whip, none of this is your fault.”

  “But he—”

  “Listen to Peter, JJ.” Darren had heard enough. “You told me you never knew your father. The sins of the father cannot be visited on his son. You’re your own man. Make your own choices.”

  JJ became still, and Darren rubbed across his shoulders.

  Peter turned to Thomas. “Sir, can I take JJ with me for a few minutes?”

  Both Darren and Thomas asked, “Why?” simultaneously.

  “I need to introduce him to someone. I think it might help him to understand.”

  Darren released his hold on JJ. “Go on. Go with him.”

  JJ stood up, Peter rising with him.

  Peter took his hand. “It’ll be okay. I promise.”

  JJ gave Darren one backward glance before allowing Peter to lead him out of the office.

  Darren took the empty chair and dropped into it. Across from him, Thomas reached into a drawer and pulled out a bottle. From the shelf behind him, he grabbed two tumblers.

  “Do you drink whiskey? Because I’m going to have one, even if you aren’t.”

  “A small one, please.”

  Thomas nodded and unscrewed the cap. He poured out a finger’s width into each glass and handed one to Darren. “I take it you knew nothing about this.”

  Darren shook his head. “I had no clue.” He sipped the amber liquid, relishing the burn in his throat as it went down. “Do you know who Peter is taking him to see?”

  Thomas nodded. When nothing else was forthcoming, Darren took another sip.

  “Well, there’s one thing that’s come out of today. I’ve made a decision.”

  “Oh?”

  He nodded. “You asked me to get in touch if I ever decided to look at BDSM from your side of the fence.”

  Thomas straightened. “I did, which is why I presume you’re here.”

  Darren stared into his glass, swirling the liquid around. “I run my own business. I train my staff to do things my way, to the point that I know if I’m not there, things will still happen the way I want them to.”