Burden Read online

  “Wow. You weren’t kidding when you said you were practically on the beach.”

  Nikko let out a happy sigh. “I love to go walking there.”

  Mitch came around the car and kissed Nikko on the head. “Yeah, you do.” His eyes were warm. Then he popped the trunk and hauled Randy’s case out of it. He pointed to the top of the house. “That’s the attic room, for guests. You get the couch.” He walked toward the staircase, still carrying the suitcase, and Randy followed him, Nikko close behind. “By the way,” Mitch continued, “tomorrow we’re going to my parents’ house for Sunday lunch. We do this once a month. You’re welcome to join us.”

  “Jesse will be coming,” Nikko added. “And it’s not like you haven’t met Mitch’s parents. You’ll get to meet the rest of the family too.” He grinned. “It’s a lot of fun.”

  Mitch opened the screen door, and Randy stepped onto a cool covered porch. Two rocking chairs sat against the wall with a table between them. Wooden blinds covered every window.

  “This is nice,” he exclaimed.

  Mitch huffed. “It’s not huge, but it’s perfect for the two of us.” He opened the front door, and Randy entered the living room. Facing him was a small desk, loaded with books and papers, clearly where Mitch worked, and to the right was a cozy, square room with a couch along one wall opposite a brick fireplace, with comfortable-looking armchairs placed at intervals.

  Mitch put the suitcase under the window. “I’ll leave this here for the moment. Right now I’m assuming you’d like some coffee?”

  Randy groaned. “Mitch, I love ya.” Boston seemed a long time ago.

  Mitch laughed. “Yeah, I figured. I’ll get some going, while Nikko shows you the rest of the house, which will take less than a minute.”

  Randy had to admit, their home was delightful. Nikko, it seemed, had only one regret—that it wasn’t big enough to house a grand piano. “That’s a dream, which will have to wait,” he said with a sigh. “Mitch did talk about making some changes to the attic room so we could fit a piano in there, but that would mean losing a bedroom. And I’m not sure I want to do that. I want to have somewhere to put Ichy—whenever he comes to visit.”

  Randy’s heart ached for him. Nikko and Ichy had been so close before he’d gone into police custody, and he knew it had to be killing Nikko not to be able to see him now that he was in the witness protection program.

  “You wait,” he reassured Nikko. “Once things have quietened down and he’s settled into his new life, you’ll see each other again.”

  Randy would make sure of that, even if he had to bring Ichy to Maine personally.

  THE ENTRANCE to the pier was colorful and quaint, with arcades and even a Ferris wheel. Randy strolled through the covered walkway, heading for the restaurant. Nikko had been right: the lunchtime crowd had dwindled to only a few diners. Through the door, he spied Jesse, cleaning tables and serving, and that was enough to get Randy’s heart hammering. He entered the restaurant and was shown to a table looking out over the ocean.

  It wasn’t long before Jesse headed over. He came to a dead stop a few feet from Randy’s table, his mouth open. “What… what are you doing here?” He narrowed his gaze. “Nikko told you, didn’t he?” Jesse pressed his lips together.

  “Don’t blame him, please,” Randy remonstrated. “He thought he was doing the right thing.”

  Jesse sighed. “Yeah, that sounds like him. Look, I can’t talk to you.”

  Randy’s heart took a dive. “I see.”

  “No, I mean, not right now. I’m working. But… I’ll be on my break in about half an hour. If you want to stick around… we can talk then.”

  He’s not sending me away. Thank God.

  “In that case… I’d like a coffee, please.”

  “Latte?” Jesse asked, a familiar twinkle briefly visible in his eyes.

  Randy just smiled.

  “I’ll bring it over. And….” Jesse swallowed. “I know what I said, but it is good to see you.” He walked away.

  Randy took the opportunity to breathe deeply. God, don’t let me fuck this up.

  A few minutes later, Jesse returned with a glass of coffee, together with two packets of cookies. He placed them in front of Randy and smiled. “There’s sugar on the table if you need it, but I seem to recall you saying you’re sweet enough. The cookies are because I know you have a sweet tooth.” Then he walked off, only this time there was a definite sashay about those slim hips.

  Randy had to stifle his chuckle.

  Half an hour later, Jesse appeared at his table, his apron gone, revealing black jeans and a black T-shirt. “I’ve got thirty minutes. Let’s go down onto the beach.”

  When they reached the beach, Jesse kicked off his shoes, tied the laces together, and slung them around his neck. Randy removed his sneakers and did the same. The sand was warm and soft beneath his feet.

  “I can’t remember the last time I did this,” he said quietly.

  Jesse smiled. “This is how I start my day. I get up early, make myself a coffee, and drink it while I walk on the beach at the end of the street where Nikko and Mitch live. Sometimes I watch the sun come up. It’s so… peaceful.” He stopped and gazed at Randy. “Okay, I’m listening. Why are you here? Especially after I told you not to come looking for me.”

  “I had to see you. I’ve been looking for you since the day you left.”

  Jesse blinked. “Seriously? I mean, I know you called Nikko, but I figured when you couldn’t find me, you’d… forget about me.”

  Randy snorted. “Forget about you? That would be like… forgetting to breathe.”

  Jesse’s breathing hitched, and Randy reined in his emotions. That outburst had come way too close to admitting how he felt, and this wasn’t the time or the place.

  “I still don’t understand how you could have left the way you did, without a word.”

  “Call it self-preservation. Look, I said it all in that email. Yes, that night was… amazing, I can’t deny that, but… it wouldn’t work out between us.”

  “Why not?”

  Jesse gave him an incredulous stare. “How many times do I have to state the obvious? You’re a Vice cop.”

  “So?”

  Jesse rolled his eyes. “C’mon, Randy, you’re not stupid. How would it work? I mean, really?”

  “You were hooking so you could save enough money to carry on your studies, weren’t you?”

  Jesse nodded.

  Randy set his jaw. “I’d help you.”

  Jesse widened his eyes. “Hell no. You are not a cash cow.” He sighed. “And if I carried on hooking, I… I couldn’t be with you.”

  “If?” Randy stared at him. That one word was enough to make him believe Nikko was right.

  Something had changed.

  He tried a different tack. “Nikko says you’ve been working here a while.”

  Jesse nodded. “He and Mitch are both stubborn. They won’t take any money from me. Nikko argues that I get most of my meals here, so it’s not like I’m eating them out of house and home.”

  Randy took a good look at him. “You seem like you’ve put on a little weight since I last saw you.” When Jesse stared at him, Randy smiled. “It looks good on you.”

  His cheeks had filled out a little, making him appear younger, and his hair was even more blond, clearly a result of the sun. He’d lost that lean look, but Randy didn’t mind that in the slightest.

  Jesse huffed. “I keep thinking I’ve let myself go. I haven’t done any sit-ups since I got here, and I was always so careful about what I ate.” He shook his head. “You should see some of the crap I eat nowadays. Pizza, subs, poutine, fried dough….” He grinned. “By the way, the bar at the end of the pier does a mean lobster roll.”

  Randy finally got what was different about Jesse. “You look… at peace.”

  Jesse’s smile reached his eyes and lit up his face. “Yeah. Hard to believe, I know. Me, the original ‘I heart NYC’ boy, but here? I really like it. The ai
r, the change of pace…. I’m saving every cent I make, and okay, so it’s not nearly what I could make in New York, but it feels… good.” He tilted his head to one side. “Where are you staying, and how long for?”

  “I’m at the Hotel Mitch-and-Nikko too. I’ll be sleeping on their couch.” Randy paused. “For two weeks.”

  Jesse’s mouth fell open. “Really?”

  Randy reached for his hand and squeezed it. “I know you’ll be working, but you don’t work all the time, right? You could spend some time with me.”

  Jesse’s face tightened, and he pulled free of Randy’s grasp. “Why? Why prolong the inevitable? When your two weeks are over, you’ll go back to New York. And right now, the way I’m feeling? I’m not sure I will.”

  Randy grabbed hold of his courage. “Do you want me to go?”

  Jesse froze, his eyes wide, and for a moment, he said nothing. Finally, a breath shuddered out of him. “No. I don’t want that at all. I want to make the most of what time we have.”

  Randy breathed a little easier. “Then I’ll stay.” He knew he was pushing things, but he reached out to stroke Jesse’s cheek. “I missed you so much.”

  Jesse swallowed. “Missed you too.” And before Randy could utter another word, Jesse leaned in and kissed him—a chaste kiss, but one that lingered.

  Randy took Jesse in his arms and returned the kiss, holding him tightly, as though he feared letting him go would somehow burst this precious bubble they existed in right then.

  Jesse smiled against his lips. “We’re gonna get arrested, y’know. Causing a public disturbance.”

  Randy chuckled. “It’s okay. You’re kissing a cop, remember?” He released Jesse but took his hand. “How much longer have we got before you have to go back to work?”

  Jesse’s smile hadn’t faded. “Enough to walk some more on this beach.”

  “And when you finish work, I’ll be waiting for you.”

  God, the look in his eyes…. “That sounds perfect.”

  A lightness infused Randy, making him almost giddy.

  It’s going to be okay.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  JESSE STILL couldn’t believe Randy was really there. He kept glancing across the table at him during dinner, just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. As soon as he walked through the door after work, Nikko had dragged him to one side and apologized profusely. Jesse had simply hugged him and reassured him it was all right.

  Jesse should have realized by that point. Randy was one stubborn man.

  “Jesse!”

  With a start he realized Mitch was talking to him. “Hmm?”

  “I asked if you wanted what’s left of the wine.” Mitch’s eyes gleamed. “Or maybe you’ve had enough stimulation for one night.”

  Jesse gave him a warning glare. Like that was going to have any effect. Besides, Mitch—and Nikko—had given him plenty of hugs during the last month when Jesse had needed them. They knew exactly how Jesse felt about Randy. What intrigued him was the reason behind Randy’s visit.

  Please, don’t let him be here just because he wants closure.

  Except something niggled him. That remark of Randy’s earlier, about forgetting to breathe? It had passed so quickly that Jesse had almost missed it, but now that he thought about it….

  He didn’t dare to hope it meant what he thought it meant. Finding out he was wrong would crush him.

  Mitch’s loud cough told Jesse he’d zoned out again. Only this time, Randy was watching him with amusement too.

  Jesse seized the bottle and poured out the remains of the wine, glaring at both of them.

  After dinner, he and Randy sat in the living room, listening to Nikko complaining about washing the dishes, both of them trying not to laugh when Mitch told him that no, they were not getting a dishwasher, which resulted in Nikko telling him he’d have Randy arrest him on the grounds of cruelty.

  “They’ve invited me to come with you all to lunch tomorrow,” Randy said quietly.

  Jesse smiled. “I went for the first time last month. Talk about a houseful. They’re great people. What I like most is how much they clearly love Nikko.”

  “What’s not to love about him? He’s one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met.” When Jesse gave him a pointed stare, Randy rolled his eyes. “I didn’t say he was the sweetest guy. Besides, I hate to break it to you, but sweetness is not the first thing that comes to mind when I think of you.”

  Now he was intrigued. “Then what does?”

  Randy blinked. “You really wanna know?”

  Jesse laughed. “Hey, you started this.”

  Randy drew in a deep breath and leaned back against the seat cushion. “Okay… your… effervescence. Nothing brings you down—at least, not for long. Then there’s your attitude. You’re always ready to laugh and smile, even when life is kicking your ass. Your strength, because believe me, you are strong. Your resilience.”

  Jesse’s throat tightened. He’d expected remarks about his looks, except that would have been… superficial? Then he realized Randy didn’t care about the surface—he cared about what lay beneath.

  Randy was staring at him, those beautiful blue eyes locked on him, and Jesse’s heart beat faster.

  “Then there’s your sensuality.”

  Oh fuck. The hairs on Jesse’s arms stood to attention, and something deep in his belly did a little flip-flop. His breathing quickened, and his chest rose and fell rapidly as he attempted to calm himself.

  “The way you fill my senses when we’re together. How you can arouse me with just a look, a touch… a kiss.”

  I arouse him. Heat crawled over Jesse’s skin, seeping into his flesh and spreading through his body, a heat that seemed to center itself in his groin.

  You need to stop, now. Before I do something I’m gonna regret….

  God must have decided Jesse had taken as much as he could stand, because at that moment, Mitch and Nikko came into the room, carrying a tray laden with coffee mugs. Jesse jerked as though he’d stuck his finger into a socket, and Randy reacted similarly.

  “Are you two all right?” Nikko asked with a frown.

  Randy’s gaze met Jesse’s, and something flashed across his eyes. Then it was gone.

  “We’re fine,” he said firmly.

  Jesse was saying nothing. He didn’t trust himself to speak just then. He grabbed a cushion instead and hugged it to his lower body, giving Nikko a smile.

  He didn’t miss Randy’s snicker, however.

  When Nikko turned his back to Jesse, and Mitch went to pull the blinds, Jesse gave Randy an evil glare. Randy just… smiled.

  The evening passed without further incident, but when Mitch yawned and proclaimed it was their bedtime, Jesse deliberately avoided Randy’s gaze. He said good night and went up to the attic room. Once inside, he closed the door with a sigh.

  Two weeks. Randy was staying for two weeks.

  Jesse wasn’t gonna survive that long.

  A gentle knock at the door made his heartbeat speed up. He opened it slowly to find Nikko standing there.

  Jesse wasn’t sure if he was relieved or disappointed.

  “Sorry. I should have done this earlier. The spare sheets, blankets, and pillows are in the closet in here.”

  Jesse stood aside and let him enter. Nikko found what he was looking for and headed toward the door, then paused when he reached the threshold. “Is there anything you need?”

  Jesse frowned. “Like what?” Nikko hadn’t asked that since his arrival.

  Nikko gave him an innocent look. “Oh, I don’t know… toiletries, perhaps? You’ve not run out of anything?”

  Jesse snickered. “Not since this morning, no.”

  “Yeah, but… you never know. Some things you forget about, because… you don’t use them all that often, and then you come to look for them and realize you’ve not got any left, or what you have is… out of date, or… something.” Nikko bit his lip. “I’ll be going now.” He hurried out of the room, closing the door af
ter him.

  It took a moment for Nikko’s words to sink in.

  Oh my God. Nikko did not just check that I had condoms and lube. Then an even more horrible thought occurred to him. God, tell me I do. Tell me they haven’t expired. It wasn’t until he found his bag, which had sat in the closet since he’d arrived, that he breathed more easily.

  Wow. That’s one way to get my heart rate up.

  Then he pushed such thoughts aside. Randy was downstairs on the couch. He was up there. There was no way Jesse was about to go traipsing around the house in the middle of the night, armed with condoms and lube. That felt awfully… presumptuous. And in spite of Randy’s earlier remarks, Jesse wasn’t about to assume anything.

  That didn’t stop him from creeping down the small set of stairs to the attic door and opening it, however. You know… just in case…. Nothing said Go away like a closed door.

  It wasn’t until he was under the covers, the lamp switched off, that Jesse realized how much he wanted to feel Randy’s touch again. It had been four weeks since they’d made love, and a night hadn’t passed without him reliving that blissful night.

  Then it struck him. Since when did a night of sex stay with him this long?

  RANDY LAY awake on the couch, his head propped by cushions and a pillow. It was comfortable, yet so far, sleep had evaded him. He was pretty certain the reason for his insomnia was the beautiful man in the attic bedroom, probably sleeping soundly, unaware of the turmoil he’d created in Randy’s mind.

  We need to talk. The conversation at the beach had at least gotten the ball rolling, but Randy hadn’t said even half of the things he’d been rehearsing in his head during the bus trip. For one thing, he hadn’t gotten close to letting Jesse know just how important he’d become to him.

  Then maybe it’s time to let him know. Randy gave a wry smile. Why the hell should he sleep anyway, when it’s thoughts of him that are keeping me awake?